Life or something Like It

Mon, 21 Jun 2004 20:20:43 GMT

Damn, have to cross post again

Mon, 21 Jun 2004 20:20:24 GMT

Sanity is all in the eye of the beholder....I guess no one can ever truly understand what goes on with someone when it reaches that brief point, where something else takes control for a while due to some extenuating circumstances, that honestly, just messes up the balance of "Never thought that would happen" and is hurtful. Everyone has been there. Guess I have even been there once. No, I have been there once.

It kind of sucks, because no matter how you totally weren't like that majority of the time, due to those extreme circumstances, you will probably forever be viewed that way. And that sucks worse. Understandable, but still a bit of sucky. I never thought I would feel or say the things I felt or said, or be untrusting, but it all happens when everything you believe kind of comes crashing down. Like I said....a short time period in your life can easily change someones view of you forever...even though they may not grasp and comprehend the full meaning of why it was like that.

Everyone has been there though. That first real extreme upset. Where things just happened that were horrible, or things just happened that were hurtful. It happens. I can't change that, I just really wish that view wasn't the overriding view of me. I'm glad my friends saw the me throughout everything....and they know I was stircrazy...I know I wasn't the "me to begin with" and god I hated that. They understood I was in pain, and I slowly began to understand that too. I dont even think I could fully admit that then. I suppose it was something I had to go through once in my life, to feel that, and take that life experience so I can make everything else beautiful, and understand the next time something like that happens, that I can survive it even though it is painful. Until that point, I had not experienced anything so painful, I guess you could say I was a virgin to pain caused by being in love.

IT was a hard lesson to learn, and oh my god, I am so grateful for it. Unfortunately, its also a hard lesson to live down, because no matter how "not me" it was, for a little while, I lived in that state of mind where my reality wasn't reality anymore, cause everything I held priceless was gone. I'm glad I learned that lesson and know what it feels like, because in life, there are always disappointments...and you have to have that first big one before you can handle the future one sanely.

Extreme random comment....it is lightening and it is beautiful!! / random comment :)

Mon, 21 Jun 2004 00:35:15 GMT

I called my Dad. I truly wanted to surprise him and show up, after calling him on the road wishing him a Happy Father's Day, and just truly shock him. But I couldn't. So a phone call had to do, he just seemed grateful to be getting a phonecall. The way his life has been lately, without Mom, and anyone around really...I just FEEL ...if that makes any sense. For all the things I have gone through with him, and all the things I wish I could forget...I never want him to feel alone, and I just fear that he does...because in some ways...he is.

On a completely different rant, I just went and spent some money. Bath and Body works really should never have a semi-annual sale....ever. I have so much "smell goody" stuff to last me FOREVER.

I bought some stuff for the kitchen in the new apartment, I can taste the decorating bug hitting me! I'm about to order my slipcovers and my rug. I can't wait to get them. In Bed Bath and Beyond today I found the exact slipcovers I wanted (but not in the color). I had been nervous thinking maybe the sueded wouldn't feel good, and I would have ordered something that looked good but didn't like one I got it. But alas, I was able to lay my hands on the suede...and good it does feel. SO rawk on.

I bought a new perfume called Shine from Charlotte Russe. Now it is funny...the REASON I bought this perfume is simply so I can tell my old roommate that someone finally bottled him up and started selling him like I always thought would be a good idea. My old roommate Jamey....whose last name, of course, is SHINE...everyone calls Shine. Partly because that is how we meet everyone up at work, by our last names, and partly because it is just fun calling him by his last name. The good part...the stuff actually smells good...so yay.

I'm ready to be flying....I hope we don't die. I haven't been having happy pleasant dreams in that area.

Watched 50 first Dates last night..it was pretty cute. I also watched Paycheck (which I liked) and Cold Creek Manor (verdict is still out on that one) over the weekend. Oh yeah, I went to the movies and watched Dodgeball today....I laughed. Hard. IT was pretty funny. I dont know if it ranks up there with "unforgettable", but it was definitely entertaining:)

Sat, 29 May 2004 13:34:13 GMT

Can we say....Male Stripper?!?!?!?!?! More later....

Fri, 14 May 2004 16:01:11 GMT

Is it me or is it just too weird when you can't have friends of your on without someone adding them on or wiggling their way into every corner of your life because they are in love with you and you aren't interested? Or maybe you are and just in denial. More importantly....why the hell would I care if that is the case?? Does that mean I still care in THAT way...because I dont feel that way. OR does it mean that I care because I am just never thought of...kind of a tad of jealousy or something when I THINK about things...which normally doesn't even happen that often. Would it matter if I dropped off the face of the earth with some people...because honestly...I dont think some would notice...and well, I guess that is ok to, because I woudln't be around to notice that they weren't noticing because I dont have anything with said people anymore. I'm just so annoyed right now, maybe a little sad...PMsy type feelings.....I just hate seeing things disappear when they should never have to...goddamnit. I also hate my roommate liking me and me not liking him back in THAT way because he is fucking awesome, and 30, and damnit, just awesome. More importantly....I'm so in slow motion with anything related to more than a friendship, that i feel like i kinda just push EVERYONE away that is interested. I hear too often, "You are such an awesome girl...." blah blah blah...and you know, I am a cool chick. I'm not stupid. I just don't need/want/ I dont think any kind of serious relationship...I still have committment issues...I mean, when your best friend/ex completely turns on you and does the whole "I don't want to be friends" it kinda makes you wanna stay in the Friend category with all guys you find cool because y ou never know if they are going go that extreme with you, and fuck ya know, that hurts and is stupid. Damnit....I don't like thinking like this...I think a bike ride is in order.

Thanks Jamey for looking so sad ...goddamnit.

Fri, 12 Mar 2004 16:57:28 GMT

Hmmm...was hyped about Music Midtown...BUt I dunno if I actually want to go this year. There are a FEW bands I would like to see, but I just dont know. If I dont have a cool group of peeps going like last time, with this line up, I dont think I will waste my money.

Stolen from CircleK :)

Fri, 12 Mar 2004 16:05:17 GMT

EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DAILY DIARY

8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 pm - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 pm - OH BOY! MUM! MY FAVORITE!
6:00 pm - OH BOY! PLAYING BALL! MY FAVORITE!
6:30 pm - OH BOY! SLEEPING IN MASTER'S BED! MY FAVORITE!

EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DAILY DIARY
Day 183
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant. Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair, must try this on their bed. Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmm m, not working a ccording to plan. There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage. I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait, It is only a matter of time.

Haha...that's some funny shit. I'm happy.

Tue, 09 Mar 2004 04:54:07 GMT

There is a threshold. I have reached it...again. Time for that seperating again., it seems, or no? Who'da thought it would come to this again...heh...not me...always the optimist huh? :)

"Oh, oh, letting go:
There's nothing in her way now.
(Oh) Letting go,
There's room enough to fly.
And even though, she's spent her whole life waiting,
It's never easy, (Oh) letting go.

It's never easy, Letting Go"

I dont want to...::Shrugs:: Was never in my hands though....GOd I miss my friend dude....I remember this....

"There you go again, you missed the point
You lost my meaning in the words I said
I don't think you ever listened at all
Of course, then again I didn't really say a thing

I'm just drifting, hoping I can do it right next time
I know I blew it, and I come crawling to your bosom
Kicked away like a beaten dog I know I'm wrong
I'll fade away once I see how I did you wrong

Stones in my pockets, diving off my bridge
That snare drum raps me around my mind
Twisted, gnarled in my own abyss I'm missing the point
Hold on to my hands cause I'm sinking so fast now

This anger I'm holding on to was never your fault
Like a bird flying free you watch me crashing
Through the tree tops I come screaming and breaking
I'm a fireball trying to grasp a single flower

You are my flower in the field we live in each day
I wish I had the tenderness needed not to burn you
I sometimes think I've got it figured out and settled
And then here I come again to start another fire"

I never saw you crashing...I always saw something else...it was only until I crashed I realized..no matter how much I love you....I cant reach out my hand if no one cares to really take it.

That poem moved me...that was you. That was you being real...that was you caring. I miss the nice caring you. I miss all that used to be, in the person you have seemed to become now. ::Shrugs:: Stomping out fires start with talking....but you know this...you put out fires with all your other friends at ease. I'm special. I'm the one you were in love with..so that puts me somewhere else...someone I dont like because I dont seem to get kindness, I can't seem to get talking. I remember telling everyone how nice you were....did I imagine that so long ago....time to heal and set things straight, I thought it would be over....but I was wrong...it's still there..a chip...

I can't do it. It hurt the first time. Badly. I miss you. That isn't enough anymore. I am ok by myself in my own life...I just thought it would be nice to have decent conversations with someone that used to mean the world to me....and you said you missed me...so I just dont get it...I never have when it came to this cycle with you...and your dealings with me...this neverending inability to talk to me..... it's a huge abyss I hate getting caught up in...your friends see the great side of you, Im happy for that for them....but what does it say for my character to be glad of that for them, and still continue to care for someone who is showing caring only when it is convenient. You are so loyal...to other people,heh...I can support youtil the moon falls from the sky...it means nothing...because it is me....I almost wish I could go back and stop us from doing stuff...so i can have THAT Adam....who know I was there for him, and oh Gosh...I knew without a doubt he was there for me. My friend. Nothing more. I guess I wouldn't know what I know now though, huh? As it is then.

Sat, 20 Dec 2003 19:31:55 GMT

The day was crazy. I just a pawn really. Isn't that the story of late anyway? The kids were furious. To hear catcalls, and "hey babe in the black jacket, lift that up for me baby"...to one of their favorite staff...yeah, they didn't like that at all. It was a bit uncomfortable really, but...welcome to reality right? The kids went wild later in the afternoon...it was a rough evening....

The night before I had danced. Danced until I could not dance anymore. Until my limbs were numb and heart beat furiously. Allowing the rain to beat upon my face, washing away the memories of times past and renewing me for my new life. Every drop gave me hope...it was freedom. Freedom from everything I have let shackle me....everything I have flipped and fumbled for so long....it was what was supposed to be. Never had a parking lot been so magical...my own personal ballroom...the stars my band...the rain my instruments....Me...dancing...in the rain at night forgetting about ....

Choices are mine. This life is mine. ...

"I own my insecurities I try to own my destiny
That I can make or break it if I choose..."

Every choice is mine...I can not blame anyone else. If I am unhappy...then that is my fault. Blame can not be put elsewhere because no one else can MAKE someone happy. Someone can enrich someones life..but someone must be happy before enrichment takes place. I have been enriched in my life...I am grateful for that...as well as longing for it again...yet I do not rush upon another sharp sword...not yet...not at this time. I am scared and I am lost...yet I am not lacking in strength...nor am I weak. I am what I need to be to make it through my life, and that is all I really need to know I guess. I am strong. I am determined. I have a heart and I have good intentions....

"Dont worry you will find the answer if you let it go
give yourself some time to falter
But dont forgo knowing that youre loved no matter what
and everything will come around in time"

My heart has always been open to all possibilities..and all love, and I have been pleasantly surprised in my life about both the heartache and pleasure I have been given by way of the people in my life. I would not change it for the world....

"Even if I'd seen it comin'
You'd still have seen me runnin'
Straight into your arms ..."

Fri, 19 Dec 2003 03:53:39 GMT

I'm glad my feelings aren't fragile anymore..but at least i'm glad i get brought back to reality.

Weight is good. Ate a candy apple today...its all good:) NIght all.

Thu, 18 Dec 2003 07:49:45 GMT

Moving into a new place: $147

Buying parts to redo a closet : $22.50

Roommate taking a trip to the emergency room for hurting self while putting together closet: $100+

Cost of eating after a movie: $12.50

Meeting up with good friends to go watch Lord of the Rings Return of the King, allowing a friend to "cover you" while you decide to take off your extra bra, and getting ghetto style and sneaking in and drinking wine while watching the movie: Priceless

I have to say, I had a great night. Funny. As. Hell. Good movie. Good friends. Good food. And damn, good wine actually, even if it was in a movie theater drinking it in an actual wine glass...lol.

Fri, 24 Oct 2003 02:55:24 GMT

Just ran two miles. It felt great. What a stress reliever.

Walked into Jerry Maquire and into a perfect line:

"We can waste 10 years being polite...why don't we just call it what it is....a very long long break."...."On the outside I have this great guy....and he LOVES my kid.....*long pause* and he sure does like me a lot. I can't live like that....I'm not built that way."

Whoa...I feel that.

This will be updated more, life is just super busy now.

Mon, 04 Aug 2003 05:27:57 GMT

Diet: Cereal
Spagetti

Exercise: KICK ASS...RAN 2 MILES!! Woot, and I could have ran more, but I am learning that this progressive thing definitely works best for the body. Hot damn, I wanted to give up but didn't, Kick ASS! I'm so psyched...leave me some feedback peeps. Also, I am ready for some coaching advice, so health buffs out there, give it to me!!

Caloric Intake: Eh, I have no clue, but I know no where near 1200...so I'm good. Tomorrow I am starting more on a scheduled meal week again. Being out of classes kinda knocked off my schedule, so I have to reinvent one:)

Sat, 12 Jul 2003 18:24:55 GMT

Ok, meat free, fat free, choloesterol free "sausage" is damn good.

Tue, 08 Jul 2003 04:36:31 GMT

went on a 2 mile walk today. Damnit, I have to get back on a routine, vacations screw me up. I will set this straight tomorrow. I think I may try starting to run again, my legs feel better. We will see.

Mon, 07 Jul 2003 13:00:05 GMT

It has been a while since I updated. Not much to say really, I spent another weekend out of town, so that means that my schedule was mucked up.

I actually got in a mile walk on Saturday, so that was good, I also did some crunches while zeropt99 worked on my car. On friday I did take a nice little walk, although it was more strength training than anything else since I took the Raven with me (she was crazy-like). I was still sweating like a pig, so all good.

My eating habits were not as good...although I didn't comPLETELY gorge myself. And I did eat some fat free hotdogs and baked chips, as well as when we went to buffets, I only got one plate, and then a dessert plate I didn't finish. I didnt gain any weight, I actually am going back and forth from being the same to having lost a lb..lol. I will weigh myself next week to check my progress after I have gotten into the swing of things again, and put my eating back on track.

I was told I looked good this weekend....from that particular individual, I feel great having gotten that comment. So yay..I am glad I have chosen to get healthy. I feel better..and I feel like ass when I don't workout, so...GOOD. More later...I will also measure myself next week too:)

Classes are starting up so that means figuring out a new time for workouts....and a job. Stress.

Long time no update.

Mon, 30 Jun 2003 00:30:07 GMT

Ok, well, Friday was a bust for actual working out, was on the road most the day and then had just enough time to shower and head out the door again. But have no fear, I continued my strive for healthiness saturday.

After waking up from an all night drink fest...i put on my clothes and did the following:

Saturday:

Diet: Fat free hotdog, num
Dinner: Mom made homemade meal, COULD NOT pass that up unfortunately

Exercise: 90 crunches
2 mile run/walk (damnit, I still didn't wait long enough, grr)

Sunday: 90 crunches
1 hour playing tennis with my sister (which if you know me and HER it was QUITE the workout, although I am pretty proud we faired so well and there was a lot of hitting back and forth...of course, there was a lot of running TOO, but still...)

I can't wait to be back home so that I am not tempted by their eating habits, heh, for sure.

Oh well, that is all for now. Later!

Fri, 27 Jun 2003 14:04:37 GMT

I write in this EVERY single day, so, if you don't see entries for every day, let me know! LJ has been acting super weirdness.

Fri, 27 Jun 2003 01:55:17 GMT

Diet: Banana...sick
Two bites subway sandwich
Dinner: Rest of Subway sandwich

exercise: Ran/Walked 2 miles (ran into old teacher, and he checked out my ass)
90 crunches
NOTHING ELSE TODAY

Going to measure myself later....

Mon, 23 Jun 2003 02:47:43 GMT

Food: Fat Free ego, 2 tablespoons of syrup
Homemade Mugwamp Sandwich with 12 lowfat chips
Baby carrotts as a snack
Half a plate of spagetti, without meat (other half put up)

Lost the lb I gained. Good deal.

Crunches: 80
No running today due to shin splints and sun burn. Will have to get on that tomorrow. Feel pretty good today, feel healthier, eating healthier. It feels great to be on a plan and to be keeping up with my exercise regime.

BLegh

Sat, 21 Jun 2003 21:31:33 GMT

Took vitamins.

Today's Plan:

~~75 crunches~~
~~2 mile run / Workout video~~ 1 mile run/walk. I really should not have done anything, my shin plints are worse now, after running like I did yesterday after getting them, then trying again today.

~~Pilates~~
Food: One turkey burger
Water (84 oz)
Tiny pizza

I gained 1 lb today....fuck. Of course, look what I ATE. That pizza did NOT help.

Eventually I will go buy GROCERIES, and I will be able to eat a LOT healthier and will keep up with my fat grams and such like that. Now if I could find my point counter, I would be set...where the hell did I put it.....

*****EDIT****

Went grocery shopping. Yay for health food! I am going to make a Mugwamp tomorrow for my trip to the lake, woohoo. Fat free cream cheese and all veggies on the sandwich...including mushrooms (ew ew), but I'm gonna eat dat shit.

I found my Exercise point chart, but I STILL can't find my food point chart...hmmm

To introduce myself

Fri, 20 Jun 2003 17:13:13 GMT

This is going to be my little place on the web for HEALTH. I am trying like mad to get myself back into great shape and I am well on my way. I am open to recipes or anything health related! Feel free to leave me comments and feedback. I may eventually make this friends only, so, if you want to be a part of this journal, let me know and I will add ya!

Height: 5'8
Weight: 158 lbs
Goal: 135 lbs-140 lbs

Exercise: ~~75 crunches~~
~~3 mile run /walk~~ - I actually ran a whole MILE and a half before stopping, and then ran the straighaway and half the curve, then walked half the curve and ran again! It was superb. YOu would have laughed seeing me shake my fists happily toward the heavens shouting "YES! My day has come!!!"
20 minute Yoga video

Food: Tomato Soup and can of green peas
Arby's STUPID BEEF AND CHEDDAR!! (ACk, I broke it)
~~Dinner (if I eat): Okra, Brocoli, and Greens (All veggies baby!)~~